Summer is just around the corner. And when i walk out of the hotel to get something to eat at the local convenience store, I could almost smell salt in the air. The kind that starts with your nostrils and end somewhere at the tip of your tongue.

My friends decided to go to the beach today, being their last weekend and all. They decided to have a taste of the kyushu sea, which, though its just a 5 minute walk from twins, we never had the time to really explore, till now.

There are many people at the beach today, I presume. collecting beachstones for memories and washing away their souls with whats real and whats happy.

And i am here, typing away on my notepad.. wishing myself to be far.. far away from here.

four bags – two for check in and two for handcarry – the sumtotal of my four and a half months stay in the land of the rising sun. there are no feelings really, anticipation, excitement, they all died down a long time ago, all that’s left is the weariness, and the unbearable waiting.

i should be sleeping really.. in six hours ill be up and about adding finishing touches to the prototype we’ve been making, making reports, and doing some last minute file cleanups and sorting.. and yet im here.. finding comfort with ms notepad and a japanese keyboard that types a different character from what i expect it to.

lately ive been reading some of my works posted on this site, and it bothers me that i have not made progress. i dont know if feeling nothing is better than feeling pain, or if watching sesame street at 2:30 in the morning could possibly make a difference.. but thats what ive become… a stoic and an insomniac. funny that i can label myself now.,

i remember one time, a thai classmate went to this site and read some of my notes posted on the chronicles, he emailed me and said he was having a fine day until he came across my writings.. and thats when he remembered how miserable he was.. gee! i didnt know i sounded that miserable.. much less, i never thought i could make someone so miserable just by thinking my thoughts out loud.

anyway, this isnt about that. i dont even think i have a point here.. its just something i need to do. i need to write, if only to make me be able to sleep at night. i have to write, even though i dont have a story to tell… its a compulsion. a habit. and sometimes i dont realize that i actually am conveying a message.

where is this going really? i dont know… maybe packing bags just depresses the hell out of me.. or maybe im afraid that im going back to a place where everything else is different.. except me, or worse, maybe nothing has changed.

its irrational.. why must someone fear the coming of the night, when it is the light of the moon she wants to see.

It`s still raining in Fukuoka. It`s been raining since I came here a week ago. The JAL pilot promised an 8`C ground temperature, but it felt much lower than that when i disembarked from the plane. If I walk too fast, I could feel the numbing cold enter my bones like a spider waiting to sneak upon its prey. and yet if I walk too slow, I know I`d die of pneumonia even before I reach the hotel room.

Today I came in early to work. I wanted to watch the waves of the sea from the window. How carefree those waves, letting themselves be led by the wind, to any direction it chooses to blow.. Do they ever feel lost? Is there such a place as home that they strive to return to? If so, how far are they from that place? Or do they ever care?

Waves, wind, water, when, where, why… The w`s are filling my brain with clutter. I went back to the vending machines.. it`s too early for musings.

Its almost spring, dozens of people at osaka jo taking pictures of flowers starting to bloom is just one sign of it. Tomorrow we will be leaving osaka, after 6 weeks of language and cultural training, at last, real work is about to greet my mornings. And soon I will be home, wherever home may be. But somehow, a tinge of sadness is in the air. Something that i cannot touch has come to hurt me. And i feel it in the pit of my stomach, like rushing head first into the deep deep sea.

This place is quiet at last. devoid of hurrying footsteps going to the shokudo or the taisoukan, the uketsuke hito has nothing more to attend to, and the konpyuta no heya which is usually filled with people, now contains about 2 or 3 persons. It’s almost dusk. The lights from nearby buildings are fighting against the dying light of the sun. And the intangible hurting, the sinking feeling has once again overtaken me.

Soon i too will leave this place. And it is not so much the leaving that saddens me, but rather the uncertainty of where i would be going next.

For now i close another chapter of my life’s stories. Tomorrow, a new page is about to be written. And this sad feeling will leave me soon.. I hope.

It’s been a while since I last wrote an entry here. December and January passed by like a breeze. Preparations for my travel to Nihon, parties, celebrations, gift-givings, goodbyes — each has a story of its own. And it would have easily filled up ten pages of this chronicles page, had I mustered enough dilligence in me to write them all down here. But the lazy me prevailed and instead I confined my entries for those months in my little notebook of thoughts.

Today, I found a freeware html editor. At last I can continue editing my site wherever I am, and whatever PC I’m using, even without my favorite FrontPage editor. Now, I’ll have no more excuse for not updating this page. Zanne’n desu ne. Oh well, you win some, you lose some =)

I’m in Osaka right now, and the weather is dull and cold. My friends here are out for the day — home stays and home visits filled up their itenerary for the weekend, leaving me alone with this computer. I woke up this morning expecting snow, but only the cold chill greeted my face when I opened the door to the terrace. Soon winter would be over, and the flowers of spring would greet me when i wake up. It’s a pity, I would not be able to see snowflakes before the cherry blossoms.

Months ago, the thought of learning a new language sounded interesting and fun to me. But now there are just too many words to remember, and too many rules to understand — that it takes away the life in me. Every week, aside from learning hundreds of words and rules, and writing them in kana, we are required to pass an essay in Nihongo. I used to love writing essays, but now it’s the one thing I dread most. There are so many feelings and observations I wanted to write down, but the lack of words to express it with, stops me and frustrates the *^%$ out of me.

Argh! Someday I will visit this place again for leisure, and not for work nor study. Then I can enjoy all the lovely sites and faces without having to worry about the hundred other things that I should be doing. I will not have to sleep at four in the morning pouring over words and phrases that means nothing to me. I’ll have enough yen to buy the things I want, and not just stare at them on the shopping store windows. I’ll be able to go to the places others have been to, and not just content myself with their stories and souvenirs.

Someday, my time will be mine, and not some else’s. Telephone calls and emails, listening to songs I can’t understand, tonight I’ll sleep my aches away.

Oyasuminasai.