On a recent interview for work, I was asked this question: “Do you have the heart to fire people?”

Me, being typically over analytical, gave it a second to churn in my head before I processed a response. In that tiny slice of time, I actually conjured several answers at the top of my mind:

v0.1 heart? what heart? I don’t have a heart. period.
v1.0 how can you put heart and fire people in the same sentene? that’s so cruel..
v1.1 harharhar of course, I love firing people, off with his head!
v1.2 you mean like burn them? literally?
v1.3 *insert wild laughter here* uhm what was the question?
v1.4 sure, why not? can I do it now? can I? can I?

But of course, thanks to the neatly tied up strings that keep everything in place in my psyche, I said this instead:

Me: Have you seen that movie “Up in the Air” ?

Interviewer: No

Me: Well, it’s about this guy whose job is to go fly to different places to fire people. Basically the management in the companies that hire him don’t have the courage to deliver the bad news to their employees so they had to outsource someone else to do it.

So to answer your question, yes, it’s easy to fire people, I can do it if necessary. But more importantly, I can deliver what seems like bad news and turn it into something that could well be the best move for their career at that time.

So today my favorite brown wedge shoes finally retired. The stitches on one side was so worn out that I could actually see my big toe peeking out like a cartoon character playing peek-a-boo. It was over two years ago when I bought this pair that one summer day in BC, and it has been through a lot since then. It endured the endless rainy days of Vancouver, that freak winter storm in ’08, and it even survived a sip-lining expedition in Montreal after crossing half a dozen tree top obstacles. I guess I could say it was well worth its price and has served its purpose, after all, not all shoes can outlast jobs, friendships and even relationships – well done Aldo. But then again, this can’t really compare to my favorite Hush Puppies back in University – now that pair really weathered a lot of storms and a lot of soles. It even went up and down mountain tops in one piece – quite a great feat for a pair of high heeled dress shoes.

Some people put a lot of value in abstract stuff like time, commitment, affection, attention – and I must say it is wise for them to do so – after all aren’t the essential elements of life the ones our naked eyes can’t see? But in the daily intricasies of living, we often get sidetracked by the lack or loss of these invisible things that we tend to forget the little miracles that exist right in front of us – like an ant carrying a heavy grain of rice, a butterfly struggling out of a cocoon, a homeless kid taking the hand of another, a pair of worn out shoes telling stories of lives lived and forgotten – they look so commonplace that we overlook them or they seem so distant that we can’t relate.

Any which way, today I’m breaking in new shoes and I can feel blisters hurting my feet, I could whine and complain just because I can but then again I know a lot who have always dreamed of walking – so I’m thankful for the hurt because that means I can feel, and I’m thankful for these shoes that I can use to walk and hop and jump and run and at the end of the day, when all else fails,

…I know I can always get a new pair.

I’ve used writing as a tool to forget, a way to get things off my mind. Like a phone number that will stick in your subconscious until you find a pen and put it on paper or in this day and age, a mobile phone where you can punch the keys and save it on your address book, thoughts and ideas have a way of infecting the psyche like a virus – this reminds me of a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream sequence from Inception, whatever. Anyway, these days have no reason to be forgotten, or I’m just too lazy to find an excuse to string words together and wait for meaning to come. But the thing is, I don’t really need to have a point before I can go log into anonymity and ramble on. I can just start now.

The news about the calamities plaguing Japan right now took me back to a place where everything was so different. It reminded me of the times when I was there and how it felt so safe – a contained bubble where everything moves like clockwork and nothing falls out of place. It’s sad that it’s almost brewing to be another Kobe mishap but what’s more heartbreaking is that there are 50 or so workers who chose to stay at the Fukushima plant to try and fix the issue – talk about dedication to the job. Knowing Nihon, they will surely bounce back but even giants need help in picking up tiny flowers from the ground so it’s great that many countries are organizing efforts to aid the land of the rising sun.

It’s been a crazy year thus far, and we’re only on the third month – a quarter of the year done and three quarters more to go – I wonder what’s in store for the rest of us. There’s been floods, civil and political unrest, earthquakes, tidal waves and nuclear meltdown – at times like these, we can only pray that the world will still be there when we wake up. But even it doesn’t, if the world breaks apart and fades into oblivion, at least we’ll know how the afterlife is like.

“You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains.” [Matthew 24:6-8]

We have three dogs – Wookie, Frou frou and Cooper, they’re a mixed breed of Japanese Spitz and Yorkshire Terrier and they occupy half the ground floor living area in the apartment that we’re renting. They rarely go out of the house because there’s no proper lawn area where they can roam freely, they might cross the street and get run over by speeding vehicles.

I’ve had Wookie since 2003, she was given by a friend from Davao and is probably my most well traveled dog by far. She has taken the boat, car and bus, she’s been to hotels, malls and parks, and has moved with us to every new place we’ve leased. Frou and Coop are her sons and they rarely leave the house, but when we accidentally leave the door open, they run for it and play hide and seek at the neighbor’s backyard.

This year, after much deliberation, we’ve decided to let go of the dogs and posted an ad for adoption. We were giving the dogs away for free with passport and vaccination papers, the condition was that the new owner should genuinely care for them and have a lawn where they can run around and be happy. A lot of callers answered the ad, but none passed the interviews so far.

Last week we decided to invent the Dog of the Week Award, a lucky dog will be randomly chosen and given a walk along the park with food and refreshments. First thing we did was buy a leash, which we didn’t really know how to put on.

Q: How many people does it take to leash a dog? 
A: Three, one to carry the dog, one to figure out how to tighten the collar and another one to actually put the leash on the dog.

Cooper got to be the guinea pig in this exercise. He was happy to go out of the house but unfortunately didn’t really want to walk and would just rather chase the neighbor’s cat up the roof of a car. Kuya had to carry him until we reached the narrow streets that led to the park, the activity became a carry-the-dog day instead of a walk-the-dog morning. When we finally reached the park, Coop played around on the grass and chased birds, then he got tired and just sat on the sidewalk, refusing to budge. Drei tried to use fried chicken and water to make him respond but he just sat there and ignored the food. In the meantime, we all stared at another guy’s dog who was walking beside his owner without a leash, I wonder if Coop will ever be like that, the scene reminded me of the movie “Morley and me”.

Q: How many people does it take to walk Cooper? 
A: Three, one to hold the leash, one to act as bait and coach Coop to run towards him and another one to take pictures. =)

All in all it was a great morning to bond with my two brothers, I hope Cooper had a nice time too.

Inspired by the 29-day fitness challenge, I finally convinced myself to go back to the gym after a month of falling out. I tried the elliptical two days ago and it wasn’t bad, I just hope I can make it a habit.

Random conversation at elevator:

Guy with dog: So, working on New Year’s resolution, trying to keep fit and healthy?
Me: Yeah, let’s see how long it lasts
GWD: Well good luck, have fun

The fitness room was crowded when I got there; bike, treadmill and free weights area were all occupied, good thing nobody was using the elliptical so I didn’t have an excuse to procrastinate. It’s either the dduk-gook I had last night or I’m just tired but I felt it was harder to complete 30 minutes this time around compared to two days ago, I felt so heavy. Anyway, I’m hoping it will get easier everyday, I should catch up on my Physio exercises, my back is acting up, talk about aging =) blame it on the cold weather, that’s what they always say, right? ^^

I read somewhere that Twitter changed its question from “what are you doing?” to “what’s happening?” to encourage more posts about what’s up with the world. So in an effort to make my personal online diary a bit more timely, I’m going to add the local news section at the bottom of each post. Should be fun especially when I’m traveling, that would urge me to watch the news and know what’s actually going on in the city I’m in.

Today I have nine articles to write and the words are stuck. so I decided to just clean my fridge and finish the solitary tub of ice cream in my freezer, then I popped some corn and watched as the kernels jumped in excitement (first time I tried making popcorn from stove, wow! look at em go pop! pop! pop!). Finally, after being bloated and canceling out my entire workout, I settled back to finish my task. I now have a rekindled respect for writers, I realized that programming is actually way easier than writing, except when you’re debugging someone else’s code, but then that’s like proofreading and copy editing too, such a pain.

So I went on to TED, to find some inspirational talks on how to create nothing out of something. I hope it’s not necessary to have temporal lobe seizures before I can be creative. I found this Chinese proverb from Amy Tan’s talk on creativity really interesting: Saving a fish from drowning, but in the process the fish dies.. Get yourself in somebody else’s business and you’ll be stuck.. As I was listening to the Global National’s 2009: In Review (and I’m also listening to another TED talk at the same time; Steve Jobs’ “how to live before you die”, it says find something you love and do it, and live each day as if it were your last because one day you might be right), I browsed through an article saying “Unfriend” became Oxford’s word of the year for 2009, hmm *light bulb*, it just showed how social media websites became a big hit last year. I wonder what will strike out in 2010.  

Wow! Imagine, that’s actually 500 words I’ve typed in so far, now if only I used that for my article I would have finished 1/9. Oh well, time to start punching the keys… Right brain, work now!

P.S. I like this feature on Everyday Heroes, I first heard of Justin Hines from a tv commercial song two years ago, I got his whole album but I didn’t know he had Larsen Syndrome. Ben Verboom’s Cycle to Help is also very encouraging, that reminded me to finish my inner healing essay so I could one day lead an IH ministry as well, oh yeah but more words to string… There is one common theme here, it’s about people who didn’t let whatever bad things that happened in their lives, may it be a disability or a sad experience, to bring them down. Instead they’ve used it as a challenge to continue doing what they are passionate about and help other people in the same situation. That should be enough inspiration to start writing..

local news:
– memorial for four Canadian soldiers and one journalist whot got killed from roadside bombing in Afghanistan.
– fire at Vancouver Island
– new laws banning texting while driving and smoking inside a vehicle when a child is present

reflecting on: Luke 15:7

I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

listening to: “Entertaining Angels” by Newsboys

Just came back from yet another English proficiency exam so I could qualify for a full time course, and all I can say is I’m running out of words. The essay part had an interesting topic, the premise is that some people say everything that happens in your life is your sole responsibility or your own fault, it means you are in control of your life and there are no outside forces that meddle with the outcome.

Where is God in this equation?

I passed the exam, I qualify for enrollment, but I don’t think I want to study there.

My cousin just left for LA a few days ago, she was here for 6 days and I took her to all the ordinary places that a local would often take for granted. I hope she enjoyed her stay, I wish more friends and family would come visit me here. I don’t really enjoy going home to an empty home.

On her first day, we had dinner at this small Taiwanese noodle house in front of Metrotown, I’ve been looking for this one for the past how many months, I even thought it was closed already, my friend and I drove by a couple of times but couldn’t see it, but well apparently it’s still open and they serve really good iced milk tea =). After dinner we went to AuBAR for a dose of house music to satisfy the party girl in her – something she was really looking forward to. That was probably only the second time I’ve been to something like that here in Vancouver, the first time was two years ago and I distinctly remember my friend hurling at the side of the cab while on the way home ^^. This time there was nothing like that, I loved the effects of the lights and the way it feels like it’s pausing movements and slowing down time.

The next day we went to Church and I introduced her to people who are like my family here already. I remember my main purpose why I’m in this city – to work – but now that work is done, and I’ve lost touch with some of the people I used to hang out with at work, I am glad I have this Church community.

I showed my cousin how I lived my life here, we went downtown all bundled up in warm clothes, and I took her to some tourist landmarks like Gastown, Waterfront, and Stanley Park among others. We went to the healing rooms and got prayers, we watched a movie, shopped for souvenirs and gifts, ate sushi, cooked beef sinigang, went to a year end party, met up with a former workmate and talked nonstop till the wee hours of the morning about everything and nothing. I love my cousin, I love her eternal optimism and the way she brightens up even the most gloomy weather, It made me wish I had a sister.

I love this place, I really do, now if I can only take all the people that matters and ask them to take this empty seat beside me, then it wouldn’t be this lonely. For now, first things first, pack, leave, work, then come back when everything is better.

when i was in nursery, i remember using my left hand to write and draw but then my teacher “corrected” me and told me to use my right hand, and so i learned to write and draw as a righty but with all other activities like sports, i’m still a lefty by heart. i’ve read somewhere that right handed people live longer and that there’s a lot of prejudice against lefties. and so to be a well balanced person, i decided to be ambidextrous.

for the past couple of weeks i’ve been teaching my left hand to draw by enrolling in an art class. and last summer, i’ve trained my right hand to play tennis. so far, my quest for being truly ambidextrous is well underway. i guess this means i will live on the average and be equally prejudiced =).

i’ve always thought i was more of an artsy person than a techie, i liked writing, music, and drawing when i was growing up, i thought i would be a published poet or novelist, or a song writer, or a concert pianist or a charcoal painter but education drove away the creativity in me, and then i fell in love with numbers and incomplete gamma functions. i dreamt of one day making my own theorem or creating solutions for unsolvable math problems. but of course dreams bargained for reality, and sooner rather than later, i found myself working with computers.

on my sophomore year in university i got interested in slr photography and web design. i created personal homepages for friends and websites for school and small businesses. i thought my future would be in graphic design or animation, but then i got sidetracked again and woke up doing back-end server side stuff for a telecoms company. it was a good experience, it brought food on the table, but 10 years later i feel i missed out on some stuff i used to like. i guess i could have equally divided my time between work and hobbies but i just lost track of everything, where did all the years go? now i think i want a field that deals with or manages people, maybe a psychologist or a guidance counselor or a professor? this is how i know i’m getting older.. i’m getting weirder every day..

focusing on doing one thing at a time is a challenge for me, my mind always wanders and somehow i find something else to do when i’m supposed to be finishing another, so i end up with a couple of half baked, half started projects. now that i have time in my hands, i’m tying some loose ends and pursuing some paths that i’ve decided not to take back when i didn’t really know any better. the sky is limitless, it stretches on to forever, so many possibilities yet to unfold, so many futures to choose from.

right now, i’m reading 2 samuel 18, reflecting on the passage and praying for revelation so i can share something in cg next week when i’m not feeling sick anymore, i’m also reviewing road sense for drivers so i can go on a road trip – from west to east, i’m also setting up eclipse and spring on mac just for fun, editing some photos and videos, composing a musical score in garageband, writing a short story, drawing composition on my sketchbook, designing my personal website, migrating my geocities pages before they close down, and wondering why i’m not getting any email or sms response from someone. that’s how distracted and disorganized my brain is right now. to top it all off i just received instructions to finish a programming assignment in two hours.. a day after the deadline has passed.. obviously i need to check my email more often, such is my life without a mobile phone – totally disconnected from the world.. well almost..

ok i guess i have to load my ide, this is a sign to stop blogging..

today i stayed home alone with my thoughts from sun up to sun down, it can be fatal i know, but i survived, somehow. i started the day thinking i would do my laundry, work out, join the trip to lighthouse park, throw the trash, do groceries, clean my room, play with rapidweaver, decode the google phone.. but of course i ended up doing none of those. the day is just too short to do anything, i don’t know if everything is on fast forward here or i’m just really slow. i can see how easy it is to let the world spin by while i stay in place and not move forward in this life. at times like these, i can hear my friend’s voice saying “you have no concept of time”. i woke up before 6am and 14 hours later i’m still in bed, counting the skytrains passing by.

last night we had a nice walk along english bay and had dinner at a jazz place that burned a hole in my pocket. it was fun to catch up with people from the past and to recall the good old days. my former cubemate asked me why i changed my mind about staying here. she reminded me of what i said before about finding another place to explore once my work here is done, but something happened somehow, and now here i am, trying to make some semblance of structure so i can survive this concept of permanent residence. when i close my eyes and ask God for a picture of what life would be like for me, all i see is black.