“Why do I feel that goodbye
is the only constant thing between us?
Sometimes I think the only reason
you came into my life was to go away”

often you have to give up something or someone to make space for new additions in your life. it’s not an easy task but it has to be done, and like all chores that we find alibis for in order to delay their completion, time has its way of catching up on us and collecting our debts.

tonight time stopped and knocked on my door. it was futile to resist and deny what i owe, so i decided to let go and let the waves crush me to the rocks. it hurt a lot, but i knew in my heart that it was necessary to shed your old skin to grow wings and learn to fly..

someday i will look back at this and laugh my tears away.

i never really liked this wafer bar, it’s too… i don’t know, i can’t find the right word for it.. i guess it’s just not toblerone, my all time favorite chocolate. well it’s actually good, i’ve tried to like it more than once, it’s not too sweet nor bitter, just the right consistency and priced well too, ok i sound like an ad already. anyway, it just doesn’t do it for me, so i stay away from it as much as possible, unless of course there’s no other choice and my tummy is on growl mode. so far, there’s still a lot of choices out there.

someone once said that if you dislike a person, even the way he holds his fork will annoy you, but if you do like him, he can spill his soup on your lap and you still won’t mind. maybe this is why i get easily turned off by little nuances that some people do, they become this big deal breakers and next thing i know i’m turning down a kitkat though i’m hungry just coz it’s not a tobler.

i don’t know if that really makes sense at all, but in my world it does. i’d rather go hungry than stuff myself with something i don’t really like, after all, man does not live by chocolate alone.

so i guess i’m gonna say pass, no, i’m not interested, you can go have a picnic at central park with whoever you choose, it’s just not gonna be me, not in this lifetime, or at least not anytime soon.

we all die a little death each time we hear news that a former flame from our past life has moved on and found a new love of their own to share their tomorrows with. it is but natural to feel a pang of sadness that can only be drowned by a pint of bellini. so tonight i made a toast for all those butterflies that once visited my garden and added color to my petals. they may have gone on to build their nests on someone else’s backyard, but to me, they have always been part of the reason why the sun shines brighter with all the hues of the rainbow in this side of world.

a while ago i was talking to a friend about time machines and forgiveness and all the things in between. some people are lucky enough to afford second chances, while others live with the consequences of their mistakes for the rest of eternity. he is one of those whom fate has smiled upon, he can still correct his wrongs and find the one who got away. i’m happy for him and for everyone who are given another roll at the dice, another pick of the cards, they deserve a big congratulations. not everyone in this lifetime has the power to carve a new story out of the same yesterday.

so this one’s for you, because i envy you.. i wish i too could spin the wheel and make things right once more, but i know that chapter of my book is locked and buried in the dungeons, i only have lessons to live with, and past loves to haunt me. thank you for making me a part of your life, that i know you will forget in time. but for now, while everything else is spinning in place around us, i’d just like you to know that it was a fun ride, not to be missed, and for all it’s worth, even if it would appear cheezy and corny perhaps, i appreciate you, and everything you did for me. i wish you all the best. you deserve to be happy. now go get her, tiger. =)

a friend will always want the best for you, unless they’re split tongued backstabbers out to get you the minute you look the other way.. more often than not, they will tell you what you need to hear in not too kind words so that you may somehow wake up from your self deceiving reveries. all this, of course, for our own welfare.

i never really took directions well, i always wanted to have my stab at things and carve my own path without having to consult any maps nor ask questions on which street i should turn to or which train i should take. needless to say, i’m not built to take criticisms like a grain of salt. i usually come up with a witty and surprisingly annoying comeback like “this is my life, let me live it, go out and have a life of your own” thus i find it quite hard to accept that some of my closest friends still attempt to needle me by enumerating all my past mistakes.

ok, so i’m not good and wise and perfect like the rest of humankind, but what the heck, i’m allowed to have some temporary lapses of judgement, i haven’t killed anyone so far, so i guess i can still have a free pass at life and not be constantly nagged right?

ah well, i’m just ranting, i thought i got over my temper 10 years ago.. seems like it’s coming back, must be second childhood.

my wisdom tooth decided to torment me today. the gums on the left side are swollen and i cant even open my mouth to speak. not that i talk much anyway, but since i have to ask a lot of questions at work, this would be a total pain.

on a totally different note unrelated to pain, i’ve noticed that a lot of my friends and acquaitances are getting married this year, at least 5 of them are. must be the season of getting hitched like in grey’s anatomy, or i must be getting older. i’m sure the former is more true.

Sometimes I do something stupid that makes me still shake my head in disbelief when I recall it a few days, weeks, months or years later. This tale is one of those.

I first met Jose Cuervo when I was 17, it was my roommate’s 18th birthday and we had a house party going on. Before the night ended, I downed 17 shots, and the rest of the pre-med batch were reduced to blubbering half wits. One was crying her heart out, another was playing the guitar and singing tunes off-key, the rest were either knocked out or puking at the washroom. Peps was still sober, she wanted to go out and buy 2 more liters of our chosen poison, and so we did.

“Why do you drink a lot?”, I think I asked her that in between gulps of fresh air as we searched the town for an open liquor shop.
“I just want to know how it feels to be really really drunk”
“And then what?”
“I don’t know, it’s a license to do something stupid. Maybe I’ll do something stupid then. It’s so overrated to be always in control, you know. Why aren’t you drunk yet?”
“I don’t know, maybe I’m not allowed to do something stupid.”

We do this weird ritual whenever we have a party with JC. We would take small pieces of paper then write anything there – why we wanted to get drunk, who we hated, who we loved, who we wanted to ask forgiveness from, and other things like that. Then we would roll those tiny sheets and drop them inside the empty bottle. We’d write the date and it will be like some time capsule that we would keep for posterity.

August 14. Dear M. This is my initiation to the inebriated society. I might like it here. I might stay a while. Maybe I’ll even earn that license to do something stupid someday, but for now, I just can’t understand, for the life of me, why you left me like that. Please teach me how to let you go, I just can’t do it when I’m sane and sober.

Since then, JC became my best friend. I would find myself lost in a bottle even before sundown. When I’ve had one too many shots, everything becomes more clear. I can’t understand why people say they forget everything, on the contrary, I remember every detail. I can hear even the most minute sound, and sometimes I feel that if I really try, I could get out of my body, look at myself from the outside. and say: “Hey! Why are you doing this to yourself? You can’t let one person affect you that much. There’s a whole unexplored universe out there, get over it already.” Then everything would be calm and quiet, my heart would stop hurting, my stomach would stop that queasy feeling it gets when you learn that someone whom you thought loved you, has betrayed you and walked all over you. Yes, everything stops when the shots start overflowing, the moment is freeze framed and I don’t feel so lost anymore, I could forget that the rest of the world is moving on while I’m stuck in a moment.

Yesterday, Zet and I were talking about sobriety and how I can’t remember when I last drowned myself in tequila and vodka ice. I checked my calendar last night and it was 38 weeks ago, the scars I got from that experience hasn’t completely healed. No, I guess time isn’t that fast a healer, and yes, I did earn my stupidity license, but that’s another story.

i can’t wait to take a break from this city life and visit my adorable puppies. i wish the nights would end sooner.

there was a minor earthquake last night (03.01) at around 7:40 p.m. but the rest of the country was busy with political affairs so i couldn’t see more info about it on any of the online newspapers. some buildings in ortigas were evacuated as emergency precaution. probably another tectonic activity in taal volcano. i hope noone was hurt.