first live hockey game i watched. 3-1, chicago won.

no, i haven’t tried playing this game yet but i saw a real live guitar hero at a friend’s place in downtown. he’s visiting from japan and he really knows his music well. we had barbecue and send off dinner for him while he played his original compositions.

i miss my guitar.

in an effort to replenish my endorphins, went to the gym yesterday to visit my ex best friend last winter – the elliptical machine. the office has a magnet that doesn’t fail to reel me in, so i went up to my cube to declutter my table. on the way to the warer station, i couldn’t help but notice other people’s desks. each one is unique and has something significant that tells about the personality of the one occupying it. some had toys, pictures, papers, some were dirty, too organized, accumulating dust – all of them characteristic of their inhabitant, mirrors of their soul.

when i went back to my seat, i tried to read myself, like a game of poker. but i couldn’t really tell much. on my corkboard, there’s a print out of release dates, and right below it the serenity prayer. on my shelves are snow globes from places i’ve visited since i came here last year. below my monitor are souvenirs from places that my friends explored. i have two 500 ml bottles of water, some documents neatly stacked, a mirror that shows me if the window behind me offers sunny skies or gloomy rain, empty boxes of “toys”, a miniature chess set, company critters, and that’s it – all of them are random things that’s supposed to keep me grounded and help me focus.

FOCUS!

since i moved to my new place 3 months ago, i never really found time to transfer my clothes from the luggage bag into the closet, i’m still living off my suitcase and my bed doesn’t really look like someone sleeps on it. usually i would be downstairs at the living room couch, hugging the giant throw pillow while debugging life as a window cleaner. didn’t even bother setting up shop in my room, after all i always fly off to somewhere anyway, and it’s more convenient to have my things in a backpack that i could easily tow along with me when i suddenly decide to skip town.

i’m thinking this is the reason why i’m suspended in sleepless state these days – maybe my room is not conducive for slumber. i’m trying to make it look like my room back home as best i can but it takes a lot of time and energy to do that. first i would need to recreate my constellation of artificial stars on the walls and ceiling. then i would need a bed wide enough so i could spin in circles plus at least seven pillows and complete silence and darkness (aside from my stars), and my mom tucking me in and hugging me to sleep – that last part is something i can’t really buy from any store.

i’ve tried counting sheep and chicken and cows, i already have a whole animal farm in my head, but it’s still not working. maybe i should go back to the gym, the elliptical always makes me sleepy, i’ll try that next week.

hey, that’s not even grammatically correct, but it doesn’t matter, this isn’t a test, so we’re good. today i woke up and said i’m going to rearrange my perspective a bit, move some clutter out of the way and pack the pile neatly into boxes – refocus on things that i can do something about, and forget about the others that are too stubborn to budge.

on top priority is to take this language proficiency exam to prove that i can somehow express myself in this syntax. so retarded, that’s what my teammate told me, and it is, why do i have to spend a whole day and a quarter of a grand just for this lousy certificate? oh well, i don’t really make the rules here, i just comply.

next on my list is dissecting the anatomy of a third wheel. this one is tricky. no api, no formula, no equations, i guess i will just have to figure this out on my own.. why am i so socially inept?

last but not the least is to make some semblance of a plan in my life.. wow, i guess i really am a grown up now. that sucks! i still have a mental age of 7, i wanna stay in neverland. =(

October 22-26 is the First Brazilian Film Festival in Vancouver, it was organized by Inffinito at the Vancouver International Film Center in Seymour. This is one of those limited seats only cinema where you have to get a membership and line up outside in the cold just to get a ticket for the show. Several notable people in Brazil’s film industry were present on the last night of the event – we were sitting right in front of them at the theater (so that’s why people kept coming up to us to take videos and photos haha).

Walter Carvalho (the guy sitting behind us) got recognition for outstanding contribution in cinematography. They featured one of his films – Love for Sale: Suely in the Sky. The plot itself was plain and reminiscent of those depressing Filipino movies where the young girl makes some really stupid choices because of “love” – in the end she sells her body through a raffle – her ticket to get out of her small town and feed her baby. The dialogue and screenplay leaves much to be desired but the colors and film editing is definitely impressive.

All in all the movie was so so, the film fest experience was good, and the company I was with was great. Although it was a struggle to sit still for 4 hours of awarding ceremonies, feature presentation and a depressing film, what else would I have done instead on a Sunday night? Fright night at PNE? Hmmm nah, I guess this was the best I could do for my birthday eve.

People get hooked to a lot of things – drugs, alcohol, religion, work, games, sports. gadgets, food, people, feelings.. Often the main reason why we get addicted to something is because of the sensation it gives us – it makes us feel good about ourselves or the environment around us. It temporarily allows an escape from more pressing problems that need attention. Sometimes it’s all about boredom, idle hands are the devil’s workshop. We get sucked into the black hole because there is nothing constructive or creative that keeps us preoccupied.

The reason why some are more susceptible to addiction than others could be explained in many ways, depending on one’s belief system. Scientists would say that it could be a neuro-chemical condition or genetic predisposition. Moralists would argue that this is all because of human weakness and defects of character. Treatment varies depending on what you want to accept as the cause. It could be psychotherapy, medicine, rehabilitation, support group, religion – the list is too long to enumerate in this page.

In my own bubble, I believe that psychological and physical dependency on anything else other than active chemical substances that alter the brain processes is a personal choice, a phase you can easily get in and out of – a switch you can turn off anytime when you have mustered enough courage to do so. I don’t even think addiction is any different from habit.

You wake up and do the exact routine day after day but that does not necessarily mean you are hopelessly hooked to it and can’t break away and would be somehow impaired if you deviate from the path once in a while. The fact that people have this innate need to organize things and create some semblance of structure in their lives amidst the chaos of everyday living is not a bad thing. However, all things extreme is not good, everything should be in moderation.

And so after this long winding unsolicited selfish insight about addiction, I am slowly coming to terms with my own. It’s been a while since I actually slept for more than 3 hours. It used to be because of work, or some gadget I just needed to figure out and then too much thinking about things I have no control over. It’s not even anything specific, I just think too much.

I feel that I need to acquire new learning and have more challenges. I am bored out of my wits and technology is not that interesting to me anymore. Travel poses a distraction but I don’t really see any new landscape these days. New people are always engaging – picking their brains and dissecting how their hearts work is surely a time consuming activity . But in the end of it all I have nothing to really fill my restless hours – this is how it is when I’m not engrossed in anything. I have too much time, too much time to think and do crazy things.

I need a new hobby.

Halloween is a big thing here, I don’t really understand why. Yearly they have this parade along Commercial drive where people dress up as ghouls or whatever oddities and try to frighten each other.. I joined the party with friends who were eager to conquer the streets in their scary outfits – this reminded me of crazy days back in university.

The energy in this event is punctuated by drum beats and wild revelries – enough to scare the monsters away, or draw them closer. By 10pm I was dizzy and disoriented from the fumes so we slowly headed back home.

Once in a while all it takes is a dark cold night and a bunch of faceless nameless people wearing masks to pull one back to earth.

Or maybe lower.

Action de grâce is an annual one-day holiday to give thanks for the things one has at the close of the harvest season, celebrated on the second Monday in October. That’s what Wikipedia says about the Canadian Thanksgiving. So there wasn’t really any pilgrims or natives gathering around for the land grabbing like the American Thanksgiving in November. Canadians are just basically thankful for what they have. Great! It’s only an excuse to have a long weekend or a holiday then. But aren’t we supposed to be thankful everyday for what we have anyway? Why do we need a specific day to give thanks? Or it could be to match Columbus Day in U.S. which happens at the same time.

Oh well, who am I to complain, I get a three day long weekend and I get to spend it however I choose, it’s like getting a Chance card in Monopoly that says “Advance to GO”. The problem is how to manage these free days? That’s what kills me. I’m not good at staying in place and waiting around and doing nothing. But I’m not good at lugging excess baggage around either. Ah such intricate travesty of this life I live.

But I should be thankful really, and so today, two days past Thanksgiving, I’m going to spend 5 seconds to list down the 3 things I am grateful about right now:

1. God, whatever people conceive him to be, for planting faith, hope, love and patience in my heart.
2. my family, who, even though they are halfway across the globe, are in good health and cares for me, and misses me a lot, and can’t wait to see me again soon.
3. my friends, who, despite my idiosyncracies, put up with me and tolerate me and still keep in touch.

Aside from all that, I am thankful for every sunset that ends each day’s worries and every sunrise that gives new hope.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

three degrees with thin clouds overnight.. it will be sunny this weekend but don’t let the sunshine fool you – that was what the weather guy said. watching the forecast brings me back to january 2007 when i first landed in vancouver, the theme song reminds me of a time when we were still camping at ramada and going to safeway everyday for chicken dinner then walking to work each morning huddled in our jackets to protect our faces from the wind. it’s been 21 months since then and one would think that i would have adapted to the cold by now, me being cold hearted and all, but no, i guess i’m not as stoical as i thought i was. i can still feel. i’m actually human. i hurt. i cry. i fall. i stumble. i make mistakes.

i like being this rock, someone solid and dependable, this person people go to for advice. one who listens and says all the right things and takes away all the bad feelings. i like being this positive energy that inspires others to be better. it’s a role i easily take on whenever someone has a problem or is down and out and needs some pep up talk. i have this gift of making monsters magically disappear from other people’s minds, and bringing people back to their happy places. i could actually make a career out of this, if only i could be consistent.

but at the end of the day, i go home alone and face my own monsters, and there’s nobody to hurl them against the plastic wall. what happens when the rock is slowly chipping away? who puts it back together? being this person who’s so used to helping others, i find it hard to admit that i need help too. and it’s much harder to find someone else who can pull me out of the dumps and back to solid ground. i need heroes and angels and mythical creatures to save me. wish i could put a sign on my shirt that says: “i’m just waiting for one sunny day..” then i’ll be done with it. put an end to all this madness.

there is a battle raging inside my frozen heart tonight (i think that’s mangled from a song but hey whatever). there are two opposing forces, both sides up in arms, neither wanting to lose nor give way. one wants to appear strong, say everything’s in control, and deny that there’s an engine malfunction somewhere, the other is drowning, flailing its arms frantically, waving for someone else to do the saving, and here i am, this detached third person, observing from the distance. not really picking a side or pointing a finger. just letting the dust settle down before i take off again.

of course i know that in the end it will just be me and myself sewing patches over my holes but still it’s interesting to watch this struggle, these automatic walls that slide up and push people away – the ones who think they’ve figured me out. it’s instinct, to protect myself from being hurt. it’s crazy, i should just shut up now and wait for my sunny day, or go away and find the sun somewhere else.

yeah, that’s what i’m good at – running away.