Hello again, it’s you and me
Kinda always like it used to be
Sippin’ wine, killing time
Trying to solve life’s mysteries

Been a long time since i last sat here to just write and think about you, i never really go to coffee shops to drink coffee, unless it’s Tim Horton’s iced cap, which by the way I’m trying to cut down on. so why am i here anyway? it’s not like you’ll magically appear out of nowhere and we would be talking about mundane stuff as if no time or distance has passed between us, while we try and fail miserably to extend the tolerance we have for each other.

How’s your life, it’s been a while
God it’s good to see you smile
I see you reaching for your keys
Looking for a reason not to leave

You’re this habit I need to break but I don’t really have the will to, being with you is almost like the age old tradition of sun worship which everybody else forgot the origins of and the reasons for, yet a few old souls like me still follow faithfully down to the last letter. Maybe i just don’t care if it actually means anything anymore; it’s an unexplained compulsion, an addiction, a fatal obsession that has taken away all the light in my world.

If you don’t know if you should stay
If you don’t say what’s on your mind
Baby just breathe
There’s nowhere else tonight we should be

if I could string enough words tonight to conjure you here beside me, then i will not put this pen down till my hand grows blisters and all the paper in the world are filled with stories of your closed eyes, and the laughter from the skies that I hear whenever I see a falling star. It’s those childish fantasies we made that still visit my dreams every night back when I used to sleep. it drove me crazy. Now, I don’t surrender to the night anymore, i stay up and drown those voices in music and letters that knows no end. i fight the darkness until I’m numb and I’m sure that i can finally retire peacefully into a slumber of dreamless sleep.

I dug up this old photograph
Look at all that hair we had.
It’s bittersweet to hear you laugh
Your phone is ringing I don’t wanna ask

Sitting here is like sitting on a church pew on a week day when there’s no mass and all I do is watch the sunlight play shadows on the altar while pigeons find corners to hide in. thinking of you is my way of going home to a sacred place, somewhere safe and untouched, a simple truth reminding me that all is right with the world and i can safely tuck my worries under the bed without fear of it ever coming back to bite me.

If you go now, I’ll understand
If you stay, hey, I’ve got a plan
We’re gonna make a memory
You wanna steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody to me
And I can write a couple of lines

I know you will probably just tell me again that you read too much of my words but understand so little of what I really mean. Well I guess all I wanted to say was..

I miss you.

music: Bon Jovi, “You Want to Make a Memory”

wrapping up my last few hours here in the province of snow storms and heat strokes, i feel both relieved and at a loss. though i’ve learned a lot, there’s still a bunch of unanswered questions and blind curves. it would be nice to stay and be sheltered by these hallowed glass covered walls, but we can never really grow our own roots unless we fall off the vine and find a ground to sink into and bloom; so i guess there’s really not much choice here but to let go. slowly, painfully, we must cut the tethered ropes that bind us to the ground and let those cocoon shells crumble to make way for wings. somehow we’ll find our way through the dark maze of tangled vines and finally fly.

after filling my luggage with stuff that needs to be shipped back, i discovered that there was this one thing that i can never fit into a bag, seal tight and label off as mine. i was reluctant to leave it behind knowing how difficult it is to find something worth keeping only to realize later that there’s just no space for that in your life at the moment. i wish someday i’ll find something that would come close, and hopefully i’ll have enough room for it by then.

the sky is huge here, i noticed that last night while on a cab back to the place i temporarily call home. with the sound of unintelligible radio commentary in some foreign language on the background, and beside the people i have lived with for a hundred days or so, i know for a fact that the road is long and winding and filled with unexpected twists and turns, yet still the future is friendly for those who choose to travel on..

halfway done stuffing my clothes back into the suitcase that i brought here 16 weeks ago. somehow, it can’t fit anymore, what with all the useless purchases i’ve accumulated over the past month. packing my things makes me nostalgic. it’s like turning a new page and closing another chapter in my journey. it’s always sad leaving things behind without the certainty of ever running into them again someday nor a flicker of hope that their future would somehow include you in it. this has got to be in my top three down moments, almost as depressing as new years and birthdays.

tonight i tried my best to put everything in but there’s just no more room, it’s either i get a new bag or leave them behind and give them away to someone else who might find them useful and would take care of them the way i would. any which way, the road is long and i’m not even halfway done, i don’t have time to stop and think too much about what could have been had i not crossed the bridge to where i am now..

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Lately I’ve been spending too much time at the office, going home late and doing the same things over and over again. This could really take a toll on one’s mental health. I’m now almost certain that this is part of the cause of my current dementia. Well what is there to do when you don’t want to go home and see monsters hiding under the bed or blank walls painted with red stained hands – sounds like Identity, that’s how I know I’ve been watching too many slasher flicks.

All this distraction is actually a great coping mechanism – just go about my merry way and never for a moment give notice to the things which leave holes in me. Empty hollow spaces that remind me of what I don’t have, I don’t need and I don’t miss. What do you do when you have a bunch of white pebbles and all you really want is a shiny black marble? Tough luck eh?

Well, there’s still work, and so I carry on.

“..and it looks like I’m losing this fight
In your world I have no meaning,
though I’m trying hard to understand
…
And there’s a storm that’s raging
through my frozen heart tonight..”