a walk to remember

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Yeah Saturday!!! At last i can sleep till noon, eat my favorite fried chicken meal at the local joint, and read the two new books i got by Ernest Hemmingway and Nicholas Sparks.. =), then later at night I’d be out partying, now, that’s life..

bleep bleep.. a text message, now who could possibly be awake at this unholy hour of 2pm?

aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I’m needed at the office, some bugs to fix and files to check in, i can almost see Ria’s smirking face saying “if life is a journey, then please check in files before embarking..” grrr, now I’ll just have to put off those two books I’ve been dying to read since December. I just hope I’ll finish the bug fixes by 6p.m., I still have a party to attend.

Next time I’ll turn my cell phone off, or better yet, I’ll just throw it off Mactan bridge. that way i can’t be reached hehehe =)

Uhm, come to think of it, that would only make my best friend happy, naahh, I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction, especially since she’s attracted to falling bodies from bridges.

I miss college.

title: a walk to remember
author: nicholas sparks

taxi tales

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One of my new year’s resolutions (yeah right! as if I believe in those things) is to come in early at work. I’ve already had two suspensions because of excessive tardiness. and so i came up with alternatives to solve this problem

1. I will wake up real early. (well, this doesn’t work at all!! i do wake up early but i can’t get myself off the bed, so it’s useless)

2. I will take a bath, put on clothes, and run out of the house in Olympic breaking time. (this one’s a real good idea, but then when one lives in a boarding house like i do, one has to wait in a mile long line just to use the bathroom, so i scrapped this one out too.)

3. Take a taxi cab everyday to work (now, this one would really put a big dent on my wallet, but hey better than a 9-day suspension)

So that’s it, i took option number three, but i didn’t know that it would be a trip to an insane asylum.

Let me tell you about the cab drivers I’ve met so far. one of them had a nokia 8850, and he can’t seem to get his hand off his cell phone. he was missing green lights and other cars were honking at us because he was busy sending SMS. I wanted to swank his head with my bag and run off with his cell phone! grrrr…

Then just yesterday, this driver was eating peanut butter with a spoon which he left on his mouth while driving, gee whiz, what was he doing anyway? imitating brad pitt from meet joe black? I think the only resemblance was the spoon. =), and to top it all, he forgot to switch the meter, that should have been a free ride but i was feeling mighty fine yesterday so i gave him forty bucks, at least he can buy a new bottle of peanut butter when his supply runs out, or a new spoon, or a new face, whichever is cheaper.

Gee, I’m really bad, looking into other people’s lives and criticizing them. but hey, what can I do, I’m just an observer. there was this one who haven’t even taken a bath i think, the whole cab smelled really bad, I almost fainted. the other one just kept on berating the government and telling me how he hated macapagal-arroyo and all the others, he wanted to squeeze an opinion from me but I just sat there and said “uh huh yeah sure, whatever”. another one was i think a frustrated race car driver. I kept bumping on the windshield even though I had my seatbelts on, the scenery was a blur of colors, and I almost puked on the sidewalk when I stepped off the cab. it was then that i told myself that I’ll make it a point to ride on the back seat, and if ever I sit on front, I’ll put on my seatbelt real tight..

I could go on and on about this one who even stopped at the nearby gas station, but not to refill his tank but instead to convince the lady gas attendant to go out with him that night, he was like begging and serenading her while i was fuming mad at the back seat because i was running late. grrr! he couldn’t have picked a better time.

Now, I don’t hail cabs anymore, I scrutinize them from afar and just let them pass by if I see a weirdo on the driver’s seat or when the back doors are almost about to fall off.

It is sometimes frustrating to ride with those semi crazed lunatics but hey, they help me get to where I’m going on time, and i help them earn a living, so life is fair(?) =),

No more ramblings for today., till next time =)

dewdrops

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morning dewdrops
sweet faithful sunshine
lilacs all in bloom
across the meadows
the grass is green
underneath the sky so blue
birds are singing
such a lovely tune
the wind’s whispering your name
a happy thought
crosses my mind
as i suppress a tear
i know you’re happy
wherever you are
though you’re not here with me
still at times, i wish
when i am all alone
that somehow you’ll think of me
by the light of the moon

sunsets and dreaming

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i felt the sunset in my dreams
as i walked down a lonely path,
until i reached the end of the cliff,
so then i stopped..
i was afraid, afraid of the light, afraid to fall..
afraid of the sunset in my dreams

i saw the sunset in her eyes
that day when i said goodbye
i saw her tears as they touched the ground,
and then i sighed..
i was afraid, afraid of the light, afraid of her tears..
afraid of the sunset in her eyes

i heard the sunset in his words
when he said he’d let me go
i wanted to touch him and comfort him
but then i walked away..
i was afraid, afraid of the light, afraid of his voice..
afraid of the sunset in his words

prelude

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“There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they’re necessary to reach the places we’ve chosen to go.”
– Richard Bach “The Bridge Across Forever”

night has long eluded my dreams,
and every waking hour brings me farther
from where i should be..
as clouds of confusion settle,
i struggle to break free
i look for an escape, but i find none…
only solitude,
and the deafening silence.
still, every sunset brings me hope
believing somehow,
that light begins,
after this darkness

the road to nowhere

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“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world”
-Oscar Wilde

The world is so fine when you’re young, it makes you think it will go on forever, then you grow up and find out that everything has an end..

At times i wish that someone should have published a book named “A Complete Dummy’s Book On How To Live Life and Avoid Pain and Failures” but then that would make my journey less interesting. For had i not crossed the bridges of sorrow and failure, had i not known the beauty of loving and being loved, had i not reached my threshold of pain, i would not be able to sit here right now and say that my life with all its twists and turns was somehow worth living.

I made my choices, and some were outright insane and stupid and led me to paths of oblivion, but somehow, amidst the sound of shattering glass in the background and the spiteful glances of snakes hiding beneath the tall blades of grass, I have no regrets. There should be no regrets in life, as long as you acted out according to your passions,.. another twisted philosophy I picked up from someone.

Somewhere along the road I lost myself, I forgot which fork or path I chose. I barely recall how I even got here in the first place. If I try to retrace my steps, I know I’ll be more lost than I am right now. And the past, when I look back at it, haunts me like a ghost refusing to die and stay dead.

I’m back here at the crossroads of my life, remembering things I wish I could bury or just throw away into the sea. Because pain is not the worst thing in life, they say, forgetting is. And as I try to recall each fragment of memory, I hope that I can make sense to this madness called life that I’ve gotten myself lost in.

This is my journey, every stop and stumble, every joy and sorrow are chronicled in these pages. All the laughter and tears and all the things in between are part of what makes every step of it as wonderful as falling from a building 400 stories high.

If you get lost or if you cannot understand the meanings between the lines, don’t worry too much. I am not seeking to be understood, nor to convert you to my cause, I don’t even have one,

So sit back.. keep your eyes closed, but your heart open.. this is the crossroads, you can always choose to go back, or if you’re brave enough, you can discover the secret places in your heart that you never even knew existed… till now…

moonlight

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“Still at times I wish, when I am all alone, that somehow you’ll think of me, by the light of the moon”
– from a poem

so many thoughts enter my mind as the sun starts to set to give way to the rising moon. thoughts of the day that has passed by, thoughts of the years that has gone by, and thoughts of the future to come. with these thoughts come a rush of other memories, of people and places and events that has once been the present to me. now they all belong to that unreachable alley in my mind.

as i gaze at the moon, i recall how it witnessed my life in silence. as a child, i remember how i used to run away and hide behind the trees, hoping that i could escape its radiance. yet, i never did outsmart that one big eye in the sky. wherever i went, it followed. it comforted me when i wept in defeat and rejoiced with me when i laughed in triumph. at times when i feel depressed and alone, i just sit outside with the company of the moon and somehow i know that i could make it through the next sunset, and i could see it again and bask in its moonbeams.

there were times when i did not see it appear in the night sky, and during these times, i wonder if someone else in another part of the world cares like i do on whether or not the moon is there, and grieves the way i do whenever i don’t see it. i sleep with a smile thinking that if i meet a person like that, i would have found a true friend, for even though we are separated by miles or oceans, the moon will be our guiding light that would link us to each other forever…

sublime

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sublime, in stillness you break my walls
the stones crumbling, falling but not fading
you blind me with reason, non existent and unknown
and in passing you’ve stabbed my wounds
deeper than i’ve expected
who are you who dare climb my walls
who so boldly crosses the threshold of my pain
could you have stolen the key to my wrought iron gates
or have i, in feigned indifference, accepted defeat?
resigned to my fate, i hide in the darkest corners…

nightscapes

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“why has God done this? since the night is intended for sleep, for unconsciousness, for repose, for oblivion, why make it more charming than the day, sweeter than dawn of evening? and why this slow and seductive moon, which is more poetic than the sun and seems intended by its very delicacy to illuminate things too fragile and mysterious for daylight, why should it come to make the shadows so transparent? why should the loveliest of songbirds not go to sleep with the others but linger on to sing in the disturbing shade?”

i hear the trembling of the rivers
as night turns to day
once again you rejoice
you who are such a lover of the night
tend to forget the solitude of my darkness

you embrace the sun with such exuberance
and loathe my moon with such passionate hate

still i give you freedom
to shower yourself with the clouds of daytime
and drown your pains in the blinding light

for i who knows how the world turns
shall expect your tears after sunset

i’ve watched you hide in my velvet shadows
a thousand times before
your heart soaked with bitterness
and your eyes filled with sorrow

no! you cannot run away from me
you may forget for now but not forever
my solace will lead you back to my embrace

i alone can give you comfort
away from the noise of day
yet you fear my coming
you are afraid i see too much
you know you cannot mask your feelings from me
— that is why you hate me

you prefer sunlight
with all its illusions and mirages
where reality is colored with white light
and your pretentious smiles erase their doubts

i shall remain..
night will always fall at sunset
and then my friend you shall see,
when you are tired of pretending to be happy..
i shall stay and hold you
and dry your tears away…

and then there were stars

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I woke up and saw people wearing white hovering around me. If this was heaven, they must have made a mistake 🙂 I blinked once, twice, trying to adjust to the lights, everything was blurry, my mind, my vision, the voices behind me felt like they were from somewhere far away. 

They asked for my name, the date, my phone number, my parents, and all I could see were dark red stains while I felt my head throbbing like crazy.
I could put all the pieces of that day except for that moment right before I lost consciousness. It’s like a missing part of my life that I have no recollection of, just a big black hole in between living and dying.
In the afternoon, I was trying to finish some work but our seniors decided they should treat us out for dinner and drinks as part of our welcome party since we just joined the team. I was feeling a little faint because I was anemic and it was that time of the month but I didn’t want to be the odd person out so I joined them.
The night was a blur of music and old friends called Cuervo, Stolichnaya, Southern Comfort and a few other exotic mixes. As usual, the effect is like caffeine for me, it makes my senses more acute, my memory sharper, everything is clearer and abstract things make sense. So when they dropped me off at my boarding house at around 11pm, I couldn’t sleep, algorithms were dancing in my head and I all I wanted to do was go to a computer shop and type everything down.
And that’s what I did, I worked till around 1 am then I was craving for some food so I walked to a nearby burger joint to order some sliders. I took out my money to pay, then there were stars, and everything was black.
From what the nurses told me, some hospital interns went out for midnight snacks and as they were walking back to the emergency room, they saw me passed out, lying on a ditch, my head bleeding. They took me to the ER and tried to revive me, almost flatlined but I came back.

After a series of tests, stitches and MRI, they finally released me on a wheelchair.

And that kids is why you shouldn’t go out walking alone late at night 🙂