Today is my mom’s birthday. We will have dinner tonight together with some close friends and my two brothers. It’s been a while since we’ve had dinner together. Work has been taking longer hours from my days that I rarely go home early, much more eat dinner. This night would be a welcome change from the dull routine of overtime work or overstaying at the office to catch up on some readings about new technologies.

The typhoon that has been hovering around the city for days has finally left town.. I hope tonight will be a night full of stars.. that would be the best gift for my mom,

Tiredness crawls through my body like there was nothing else in this world but pain. I should sleep early tonight, I tell myself. I got home at 3 a.m. this morning and part of me just wonders why I do..

Last night there were no stars. only a cloudy haze of darkness wanting to choke me. I am like shattered glass, broken in many places, I doubt if I will ever be whole once more. I’m tired. and it creeps through my system like some virus wanting to take control and invade my being.

Sometimes i wonder what went wrong.. where did the laughter go.. days pass like an infinite stream of thoughts unsaid, and emotions locked up like acid in a bottle. I look at the mirror and all i see is a pair of lusterless windows to my soul. There is something more to life than climbing pillars.. but what is it? and why does it seem so hard to stop myself from struggling when it’s so much easier to let go?

I will go out this afternoon, I will take a half day off from work and just lie down at home. my stomach cramps are getting worse..

Rainy days are here again.. I cannot see anything from the 11th floor of this building, the fog has wiped out the streets below, and the tall buildings nearby are barely visible.. reminds me of a surreal story by Stephen King, where some prehistoric dinosaurs invaded a city while covered by a huge gray fog.. creepy!!

I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning, it was pouring, and it was much comfortable to just lie down and hide behind the covers.. but then I had to go to work, so I dragged myself out of bed, dreaming of a steaming arroz caldo waiting for me. But of course there was no arroz caldo when I arrived at the office, only smug faced people, who were probably wishing that they too didn’t get out of bed..

I’m wearing a sweater, and on top of it, a jacket, hoping to keep myself warm. It’s so cold here that even the hot water that I got from the dispenser only 5 minutes ago is now frosting.. I keep noticing things.. little things that I never seemed to notice before..

Yesterday I was reading Old Ghosts by A.J. McKenna, a story of a man on his 76th birthday remembering his first love. I liked the last line:

“The clock in the parlour ticks and tocks and finally stops. Forever.”

The story was a failed love, but then, isn’t it always the sad things that people most usually write about? I hope I will find my words soon, then I can be the sculptor of stories, both imagined and experienced, of sad songs and sad poems, and everything in between. Today, my emotions are as cold as the weather, neither rejoicing nor suffering, I am floating like that leaf, drowning like the rain, forever being blown by the wind.. gently, gently.. against the softness of the clouds.

There is nothing more for me to write, I tell myself. I have sunk back to my melancholy mood, and the world passes by like a haze of confusion through my eyes. And yet I should be happy, if only my happiness excludes that of the others, if only I were not easily affected by certain people’s moods and actions, if only i would care less about other people’s welfare.. then maybe I would be happy. I remember the answer a friend once told me when I asked her if she was happy.. “Just contented” was the reply. A very wise answer indeed. Perhaps shoegazer was right when he quoted Kahlil Gibran’s prophet “Your joy is your sorrow unmasked,… if we are full of joy, it is because we have been hollowed out by sadness like a vessel waiting to be filled”

No, I am not hurting. I am devoid of emotions, and in this emptiness I open my eyes to the reality of the meanings I once accepted with closed eyes. Sometimes I don’t know if I say too much and mean less or if my words are nothing but mirrors of my confused mind. I am like a dada painter, brushing a few strokes here and there, and passing off my work as a masterpiece.

I mask my words, for if I were to say too much, then a flood of emotions would rush out and drown me. So I choose my words carefully, until my writings and my self would seem like oil on water.

This is senseless.. I must stop now.

Later tonight, I will go home, walking along the same unlighted streets.. and I will remember.. I will recall words, both spoken and unspoken, and I shall be lost in thought once more..

Wondering why I feel so alone..

And yet I know, there is no other way I would want it to be than this.

I am about to survive the weekend with not even a measly peso in my pocket. Things has gone from bad to worse since Friday night at Dish Cafe. And it’s not even about the money, or rather the lack of it. Money is the most superficial problem in the world. It is people, people with their love for gossip and twisted stories of others’ lives that will bring this world to shambles.

These cursed people are yet to be the cause of my ruin. Why can’t the world just mind itself while I live on with my life. I guess this place really hates me, and no matter what I do, things will always go wrong. I belong nowhere and to nobody.. I am the wind, I am the rock being crushed by the waves of the sea. I am a nobody, a wanderer hitchhiking on some deserted road, finding the path to wherever my home is. There is no road sign, no stop light, no lighthouse to guide me. I am lost, as lost as anyone can ever be. And it is my fault, my mistake, the blasted ignorance of my reasoning, I have buried myself in a pit once again, and maybe, just maybe, this time there will be no turning back, there will be no saving grace, maybe there will be no tomorrow for me…

Delusions fill my mind, and I cannot say if it is from too much sleep or work or love or hate or the lack of all of these. I am drunk with feelings that are about to burst from my chest, and my head is pounding with anger. I am tired, and cannot fight the tides anymore. I will have to let go now.. It is in drowning that one is born again.. Maybe the next life for me would be easier, with no more pain nor sorrow nor bitter choices.

I shall follow that light from the distance.. I shall be free at last..

“Goodbye proud world, I’m going home…”

Destruction is a member of The Endless™, a bunch of half crazed email maniacs that’s bound to create havoc on any unsuspecting email server. She was called Destruction because Death was taken, but secretly she wants to be called Destiny or Despair (why the obsession with ‘ D ‘ ? ask Spinal ).
Don’t be fooled, the one on the picture is not Destruction, the girl on the ledge is actually a hitchhiker who ran away from home. D is the one sitting on the side of the volcano crater, eating a taco and sipping a mug of root beer float while reading Hemmingway’s “A Farewell To Arms”. If you can’t see her, click the picture to enlarge it, and follow the arrow.

The brain behind this website have always wanted to become a writer, so kindly excuse her amateur works posted here. In real life, she is a mathematician who is currently busy creating a program that would solve all the polynomial space complete equations in the universe. Once in a blue moon, She contributes poems and essays to sites like Bones From The Graveyard™, and Life In Ink™.

When not trapped inside a 10 sq. ft. cubicle debugging code or making bug fixes, she is out on the rooftop, gazing at the moon and counting the stars. Her hobbies, aside from sleeping, include driving people crazy, collecting dust under her bed, reading shoegazer’s diary, and re-answering the personality tests at emode (hoping to get a better score. Duh!).

If you have any questions, about anything and everything at all, ranging from how to drink 12 shots of tequila in 5 minutes to the time complexity of the search heuristic in her thesis, just send her an email.

Today passed by uneventful… the document changes were only few thus less time was needed for modifying the program. It is days like this when I wish I was somewhere else, counting the waves of the sea, picking up pebbles from the beach, or just simply lying down on the warm sand and watching the birds perch their nests on a nearby tree..

Maybe someday, when I have all the time and money that I need, I would do all those things. I would visit places, meet people and collect experiences like candies from a jar. But today will just be today.. trapped inside a cubicle with nothing but my monitor in front of me.

Tonight I shall dream, and maybe tomorrow, everything will somehow fall into place.

Saturday was one of those days when troubles seem as meaningless as the dust that accumulates on my desk. Martha just arrived from Singapore, and as part of her welcome party, we had dinner at the Vudu Lounge with Yan, Gay and Shing. Finding the place was easier than I’ve expected. it was rightly placed at the Crossroads Mall in Banilad, away from the usual hang outs and party scenes. On the way there, we passed by High Life, and I vowed to visit that place next time.

The dinner was nice, but the people I was with, was even better. we had demitasse at Treviso Panini at the Village, while I was counting the stars over bailey’s on the rocks. We stayed for quite some time, talking about things and stuff, then we decided to head off at Waterfront since it was way too early to go home.

The tequila at the Abbey was blech! It reminded me that I’m not used to hard drinks anymore. maybe I should stick to iced tea. =)

The night ended, the way all nights do, but not without the tinge of nostalgia. Martha was incessantly talking about the wonders of Singapore airport compared to NAIA. Manila buses still boast of its deadly fumes and well our country is still slow in terms of progress, some things do never change,,, i just hope that our friendship would be one of them..

My sweet tooth got the better of me, i decided to try out this place called the Dessert Factory. unfortunately for me, I was not able to try out their delectable sweet concoctions =(. The main dish that my friend and I ordered was too filling. I was shocked at the humongous servings. We had to skip dessert, because our bulging tummies were screaming for mercy.

I find life to be very similar to that. Sometimes I plan for something but then things happen, and I end up doing something entirely different from what i had planned..

It was after I finished the root beer float I guess, when talks of a dream of flowers and questions slowly slipped into the conversation. The silence that inevitably followed shook me and made me remember the reality of now and the bleakness of tomorrow.

Oh well, maybe these are just side effects of missing the creme brule =)