a bug’s life

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so life goes on like a leaky faucet over here. it’s 6am and the sun’s rays has found their way through the blinds covering the glass windows at the back of the table where i work right now. long sentences without pause nor punctuations seem to appeal to the sleep deprived me today. i’m still knee deep in SIT and bug fixing and the stupid dialog doesn’t even show up because of some null value in the response but i know i’ll be able to fix this soon somehow. i hope sooner rather than later.

this is the tower of slavery, err i mean this is our main office, this is the view from mukaigawara – the train station nearby. this picture was taken right after we got off the train from the airport.. that was march 31, the grayness of work has not yet penetrated our skins. today, some of us are 15 days away from going home, while others would still be extended up to the end of the month. i look around me and see blank faces, as blank as the cathode ray tubes that project the lights on these monitor screens. i don’t remember the time when we were more than just these automatons typing away on our keyboards, with our eyes, fingers and brain in full command, the heart and the others put aside for a while. i wonder how long this will take. i wonder if we will ever wake up from this madness.,

i wonder if it’s not too late…

so, why are you running away?

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“I don’t want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don’t want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
And I don’t need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything’s alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I’d do that for you
Why are you running away?
Why are you running away?”
– hoobastank (running away) –

i’ve been listening to k-lite’s streaming radio for the past two days now and this has been a big help in making my working hours less dull. and thanks to tetski my song collection has increased =)

last night i slept at around 4 a.m., my body clock is all messed up, i should do something about this coming weekend.. but then again, i like being a night person, the night is more enchanting, more mysterious.. more foreboding…
the other day, i took this inkblot test at emode, i really strained my eyes from all those images, maybe this is why i got this kind of result:

— * —
your unconscious mind is driven most by Resistance

You approach the world with your guard intact because unconsciously, and perhaps consciously, you want to maintain an element of control in your relationships with people. You tend to hold your private experiences just out of reach of others. You’re not one to immediately show all your cards, to let people into who you really are until you’re ready.

Unfortunately, that sometimes means you also hide things from yourself. You may find that your desire to remain guarded backfires, affecting your self-awareness. Why are you like this? It’s possible that you act in this manner because of a deeply-rooted fear of being exposed, or of truly expressing yourself. To protect yourself from this fear, you act in the opposite manner, you are guarded.

There is a certain respect that comes with resistance, an unconscious understanding that the human psyche is very vulnerable. We all feel we have a lot to hide, and you are not one to be intrusive or thoughtless about how you approach sensitive topics with others. Therefore you inspire a sense of safety in others when they are around you. Your psyche is very deep, very rich, and the more you can let yourself know (both the good and the bad), the more you will be able to appreciate who you really are.

— * —

the security guard from the main gate is here, asking us what time we’ll be going home *yawn* i should finish my source codes soon.. back to the “real world”

the signs

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it’s labor day back in my country, and so they don’t have work today, meanwhile it’s golden week here in japan, everybody is taking a vacation and regular work starts on may 7, but that exempts us code warriors.. we’re stuck here in the office trying to beat the deadline for the software we need to deliver by may 18. it’s nice to be knee deep in work when there’s so much stuff that goes on in my life. it takes my mind off what’s real.. or so i think

i don’t really believe in these things, but this horoscope seemed very apt for me today =)

“Usually, dear Scorpio, you have a pretty high level of focus and concentration. However, today you might find that your concentration is lagging. You might find working difficult, and you could even find yourself dwelling on old disappointments from way back in your past. You might want to stop and try to figure out why these memories are coming up. Releasing them might get your concentration back to normal.”

back to you

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here i am again, trying to keep an online journal of sorts.. not for theraphy this time (i hope) just continuing the tradition i guess..

my groupmates and i went to odaiba last sunday, it was a nice place.. we visited aqua city, the sony electronics showroom, the coca cola shop, the biggest ferris wheel in the world, the replica of the statue of liberty, the rainbow bridge.. and we even rode on this unmanned monorail train..

lots and lots of pictures really, and so many things to say, but i can’t describe them all right now.. my memories are bottled up inside of me, and i can’t find the right words to make them immortal in these pages.. which is just as well i guess..

i’ll think of something more worthy to post next time.. for now, this will have to do.

open letter

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dear you,

at last, i’ve used up too much words until i’ve drained all meaning from them =) now i can leave my solutions at home, and we’d be ourselves…

i have to admit, the past has been dystopic.. and it did leave me broken in many places.. but the past is done, and though things have been taken away from me, other things grew back to take their place. something is always missing, but then it only makes things more real.

i just wish you the best in whatever other tasks you wish to take on.. i hope you find good people who will take care of you and who will be good to you, and i hope the people you are with right now really love you enough to care =), finally, i wish for you to be happy, no matter how overrated that concept might seem to you.. ^_^

someday, our roads will stop meeting and will start spinning around other journeys., when that time comes, i hope you will know in your heart that somewhere, however far away from you i may end up in, i’m still cheering for you and remembering you in all the little things..

for now, i’m just a handsbreath away =), and i’ll be here for you as long as i possibly can.. or perhaps even longer than that..

take care and keep in touch…

always,
me

virtual reality

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i have this recurring dream where i am not really me, just another entity trapped in another person’s life. sometimes i step outside to break away from the shell that encloses me, but the freedom is temporary, and sonner rather than later, i am propelled back into this stranger’s life.

this life isn’t really so bad, but sometimes it just drives me crazy,

leonid

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2 am, the moon shines bright and i
scan the heavens for the
tiny gossamers of golden thread
shedding off their bright gazes

and you, infinitely beautiful,
infinitely far, and unreachable
blinded my skies with a
million spears of light

leaving me so soon, waiting
for three decades more
to come again

11.19.2002

eleventeen shots

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sunsets align themselves through the trees
as you lay far away, weaving your dreams
across the patio of my recollection,

and while i watch the dust settle
on the streets that no one listens to,
i wonder about how it all was.

i think about the tears and the moonlight
on the crumbling admin building.

the silent prayers awaiting dusk
under the batibot.

the all knowing acacia whispering
the secrets that countless have shared
under its branches.

i remember the charcoal vendors
near the jeepney stop across sanjercasvil,
and their stony stares as you screamed
at my childishness in frustration.

the hot sauce tripping
on valentine’s day at jca,
and the poem you let noone read.

sky rockets in flight..

serving two masters,
talking on the phone
and reading an essay

dunkin, movie marathon…

“here and there, old things
want to remind me of their existence,”

the night is waiting to claim me
in its utter stillness and melancholy.

and yet you refuse to leave and let me be…

tonight will be no different from any other.
i will be lost like so many others are lost
everyday.

“in the deepening shadows”

i will move like air,

“in between bridges on the highway”

and i will pretend not to hear.

“every pavement stone
echoing the music of your step.”

eleventeen shots of tequila,
vodka
mule
southern comfort
baileys

this is therapy.

ndg.09.11.2002