when i was 12 a love bird flew into the window of my room and rested on my desk. i was doing my assignments then and i was surprised by this sudden apparition. at first the avian and i just stared at each other, wondering if either of us was an illusion, until finally i decided to test reality. i slowly reached out my hands and cuffed it in my palm. it was real! a real live love bird from some neighbor’s cage has accidentally escaped and reached our two story house. i took it to my mom and asked her if i could keep it. she said love birds would die of sorrow if they sit in a cage all alone, she proposed that i give it away to one of my cousins who had a pair of love birds so that it would have some company at least.

i was stubborn (i still am), i decided to keep it anyway. i placed it in a makeshift cage and fed it breadcrumbs (i didnt even know if it was supposed to eat that) i was thinking of naming it petrie after that dinoasaur in land before time, it sounded neutral, after all i didnt know if my pet was a male or a female nor did i know how to figure out its gender.

two days later, i noticed petrie looked sick. i took it out of its cage and let it rest on the desk where it first landed. it hopped once or twice then just stood there very very still, looking at me intently, as if asking me what plans i have for it. i remembered what my mom said. maybe petrie was sad and wanted company. with a heavy heart, i picked it up with my index finger and whispered “i don’t know how or why you came into my life, but i’m not ready to take care of you yet. i don’t know how. and i don’t want to see you sad either. so i have to let you go. i’m sure the place where you’ll be going will be much nicer. you’ll find lots of friends there. you won’t be lonely anymore.”

the next weekend my mom took petrie to my cousin’s place and left it there. i didn’t bother to come with her. i hate goodbyes.

after that episode, i was engrossed with other school stuff and i soon forgot about everything until my mom informed me that petrie died from something i did not quite understand, probably a disease it caught from the other birds. i was mad! if it was going to die anyway, i should have just kept it instead. on the other hand, would i prefer to have seen it die right before my eyes? i don’t know.

this is probably one of my earliest lessons about letting go. yet up to now, a dozen years later, i still haven’t learned much.

it’s hard to fathom the reasons why things happen, or if things really happen for a reason at all, maybe we are just playing dice and no matter how hard we blow our wish on our palms, it doesn’t really affect the probability of getting a double six or a double one.

my friend’s father passed away seven hours ago. only a few days after her wedding. he seemed very much alive and happy two days ago as he escorted her to the altar. then today happened. she said that he has been sick for a long time now and it seemed he just waited for her to get married. i told her that at least one of his last memories is that he saw her walk off to a bright future.

sometimes i wonder what the future holds for me and for the people i love. i often lay awake on late nights wondering if what i did today would drastically change what might happen tomorrow. but most times i just try to comfort myself by thinking that today is yesterday’s future, and so far, despite all my mistakes and all the things i tried to do right, it hasn’t been that bad, yet. and even if they do crumble and fall to pieces, i can always choose to take the dice, wish hard, and let it roll again.

i cant look back at my past and feel that pain again. no, im much too numb for that. all i come across with these days are flashbacks that i can easily discard into that far corner of my mind with one blink. im not concerned about this emptiness, this lack of purpose, this bitter taste in my mouth when i think of things i dare not recall, im more worried about growing old and holding those memories imprisoned inside my heart. i am probably going crazy, yes surely.

the other day, i told my friend that i cant write anymore, my life has come to a stand still, i have succeeded in perfectly isolating myself from the world around me. thus i have nothing to write about. nothing ever really happens anymore. i dont notice those tiny details that used to be big moments when i shared them with someone special. i lost that listener, and so i have lost my words.

how does one continue this vicious cycle of waking, walking, living, and sleeping in this horribly meanigless place?

“Sometimes, hope can bear a terrible price. (Hope is a frivolous concept. Life, after all, is a terminal condition from the very start, isn’t it?)”
– quote from asylumnation –

had dinner with batman at t.g.i. friday’s in glorietta. no kidding, he was really there – mask, cape and all =) he’s a bit skinny though, his costume was kinda loose.

i’m supposed to be flying off to cebu this weekend, i have to attend a friend’s wedding on monday.. but i’m not going, i can’t. i don’t really know why. i just can’t seem to make myself go back there, there’s nothing to come home to. it’s such a sad place with bitter memories.

i miss wookie though..

i’ve been having trouble getting some sleep these past few days, i’m probably bothered by something i can’t quite figure out yet. i hope friday will offer more resolutions to these issues.

on other news, i finally watched the first episode of numb3rs. i miss calculus. i wish i could go back to solving equations, at least those things have a formula that i can follow.

i’m so lost. i need to find my way soon.