random voices

Last night I dreamt I was alive again, I felt I was tasting life for the first time; the feel of rain on the tip of my tongue was so real, so delicate, so tragic. I walked in and around my dream wondering where my imagination ended and reality began, but I could never really tell.

That’s when I saw the shadow of a kindred soul lying on its back, right on the same mound of sand where I buried my star. My eyes saw red; I felt it was sacrilege for this trespasser to desecrate the grave of my dear friend. I quietly approached the resting soul and said: “why do you lie here when the sand is so vast and you can have your pick anywhere else but here?” I waited long for a response since it pretended not to hear me, but finally, when it realized I would hold my ground until it let out an explanation, it said in a slow indifferent drawl: “And why not? This mound provides a good pillow for my head, and besides, from this view I can see all the rest of the skies”

“What a proud creature you are, do you not know that this is the grave of my star and you have shown no amount of concern nor respect for it!” I uttered in indignation.

“A star you say?” it said with mild interest “those tiny drops of light belong to the skies not here on this barren sand, why did you choose to bury it here?”

“Because I don’t know how to take it back where it came from,” I said in frustration “I don’t have tools to build me anything that wil l carry me to that place”

“Come here, sit beside me,” the kindred soul invited “You don’t need to build a great ship nor climb a tall ladder in order to reach the heavens, that is foolishness, nor should you lie here waiting for the heavens to come down to you, that is madness. There is only one way”

“And what is that?”

“To die.”

“Are you implying that I should go now and take my life in order to reach heaven? That is the most absurd thing I ever heard.”

“Who said anything about taking your own life? That is the farthest path to heaven. All you have to do is go about doing your own business and wait. Wait for that ultimate moment when Death finally decides to take you”

“I cannot wait that long, I need to leave this place now. I need to be in a place with no darkness nor sadness nor bitter choices, a place where I no longer have to wait for things that will never come”

“Ah, but that is your biggest fault, heaven is not a place. It is a decision. It is a commitment, and until you have not made one, you will never get there” For a moment, I wanted to believe that the kindred soul had gone mad, but something inside me churned so I stayed silent.

I closed my eyes in confusion. I envy my star whose time has come, and who is probably happy now beside its family of bright twinkling envoys of light. Why has death not chosen to take me with it too? Why do I have to go on with this madness?

These are the voices that visit me every night.

in between dreaming

lately the dreams were late to come and wake me up from reality. i have been turning stones but none of them can tell me where i’ve left the *missing piece*. that only made me more lost. maybe there is no such piece, maybe i have it with me but i just dont know it. maybe i had it once and i broke it mindlessly because i didnt know its value then. maybe maybe maybe. uncertainty is the only sure thing in my life right now.

it has been three months of silence. three months of spilling more words and letters somewhere else. everywhere else but here. my star has chosen to fade away and blink back the rest of the world one last time. i had to bury it under the sands where i first saw it. i dont know if it has a soul, but if it does, may its soul rest in peace.

last night i went home and looked into a mirror that reflected the rest of the world except me. i tried to find the spaces where i could fit but nothing stays in place these days anymore, and it is futile to hold on to something that has wings strong enough to carry itself away from me.

tonight the sunset threatens once more to make me think too much. i will not let it win this time.

orange coloured afternoons

im still waiting here, waiting for you to come sit by my side and take my hand, and walk me home..

it seems ages ago when we last sat together and just watched the blue sky turn to orange then finally to a deep purple. that was years ago, and we were both too young, we didnt know any better, or maybe we knew too much then.. i dont know anymore. i never knew anything. you were the wise one. i was the scribe.

time has a way of blurring images, making the past seem like an illusion, and the future, a distant dream. if only i could conjure enough images of you, of us in my mind, then maybe i could bring you back, maybe i could bring us back, and we can continue where we left off.

but, where exactly was that?

deviating from rhymes

one moonlit night i went out to look for stars that may have lost their hold on the great dark sky and decided to fall and graze the leaves and branches of my neighbor’s backyard

from the bushes, i picked one tiny drop of sunlight and whispered: “hi”

it flickered ever so slightly and looked as if it was abashed to be seen in such a frightful state. i lifted my palm encouragingly and said: “dont be afraid, im here to help you find your way, where did you come from? wher are you headed?”

but the star having no ears could not hear me, it wept silently, the way a child would after discovering he is lost, and he has gone a long way from home.

i sat down on the grass and pondered the situation that my star has gotten itself into. yes, i know im being presumptous to call it mine, when ive only just found it, and i dont even know what to do with it yet, or if somebody else owns it, or worse, what if it is one of those things which cannot be owned?

pushing aside my own introspection, i tried once more, this time i put my finger on my lips as if to hush its weeping, then i pointed to the moon lazily resting on some velvet clouds which chose to hide the heavens – where my tiny friend fell from. “home” i said slowly, clearly, “is that where you came from?”

and with a sudden rush of understanding, it blinked once, twice, and nodded its head, “g– o- h- o- m- e” it tried to utter in broken syllables, ah! my star wanted to go home, we have progress, at least i now know where we’re headed, but how could i reach the sky and put this star back where it once belonged? a seemingly impossible task, i thought, but like all problems, this too must come with a solution, though not yet obvious right now.

i pulled out a piece of torn paper from my coat, and gently wrapped my quivering star in it, i replaced it back in my pocket and walked slowly.

how do i reach the sky? do i build a tall ladder and lean it against a giant tree, then climb it painstakingly till i finally reach the top? how would i know if it is high enough? do i make a giant balloon made of hot air and let it lift me up till i can touch that place where the horizons meet? do i ride a boat and row myself to eternity hoping i will somehow sail through the end of the seas and fall off the earth and touch the vast nothingness of forever?

carefully, i took my star from out of its hiding place and laid it down into the cold ground, i laid down beside it and watched the distance between us and our destination grow by leaps and bounds with my every blink,

…and this is where i am right now.

puddles of rain

it was raining again this afternoon when i went out, i cant really stay sad when everything else around me, even the weather, is gloomy. im not really sad though, im lost. and this loss confuses me, until i no longer know what to feel and how to feel.

this place is covered with black and sharp and stinging things, i cant stay here and wait till they come to life and choke me. i want to run far until they all fall out of my head into a place where things are pure and honest and real.

these days, writing has become too difficult, its hard to wade through words and pick one out from the herd and paste it down on paper without cutting a piece of my skin. everything hurts, and i dont know where the hurt comes from. does it hurt to be lost? i really dont know. when you’re lost, you’re afraid, afraid you won’t find your way back, when your afraid, you are angry, angry of the unknown, angry for not knowing. but where does the hurt come in? why this aching feeling that grips through my heart like a claw?

tonight i will step out of this building, not knowing where to go, even as my feet involuntarily lead me back to that place i call my home. this city moves too fast, and though i can run with it until all things around me become a blur of unfeeling, there is really no point. because one day i will have to park, and when i do, im afraid there will be noone there to sit quietly beside me and share my stories.

sepia toned life

“I’m finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don’t really know what i’m gonna do
when i get there
I take a breath and hold on tight Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace”
– breathing, lifehouse

after almost a decade of walking behind your shadows, i feel lost now that i have chosen a path away from you. you used to define me. you are in every line of my face, your memory burns through my veins like embers from a nearly extinguished fire.  i was nothing without you. “every step i took ever since i learned to walk was a step towards finding you”, what do i do now? now that you are gone, my north star, my guiding light.. how do i start again? i didnt foresee that the outcome of letting go would be this – a vast chasm that eats away everything. a void that cant seem to be filled with light, a black hole that extinguishes all hope.

to any kindred soul out there, to the gods that must be, help me find my way back again…

“I’m looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth
And i’m trying to identify the voices in my head
God I wish won’t you
Let me feel one more time what if feels like to feel
And break these caluses off of me one more time”
– breathing, lifehouse

a night full of noise

no time is the wrong time to be thinking about you. especially on late nights like this when the only company that keeps me awake is the sound of horns from vehicles plowing along ayala avenue.

i should be going home really, i have no business staying here, im too preoccupied with a zillion other miniscule distractions that prevent me from accomplishing my work. im just here so i can be with the presence of other people who are themselves distracted with some other trivial matter. i choose to stay here because being alone in my room with the noise that comes from inside my head is more troubling than sitting here and listening to the conversations of people in a foreign tongue.

its futile to escape the voices that wrap around my memory when i close me eyes at night. if only i could lock them all in a jar or throw them inside my closet where they could never escape, then maybe i will have better chances of hearing my own thoughts amidst all the confusion. its difficult to choose which me i should listen to everytime. i hope one of these days, a clear voice would finally speak up show me what i need to understand.

angry skies

the clouds are pouring its rage on the towers of this spired city. im tempted to stay inside and let the storm pass but i have promises to keep.. after everything ive went through, a little drop of rain cant hurt me now.

promises, you said you hated making promises, because you always break them. but why make a promise you can never keep in the first place? to ease present doubts and worries? for immediate gain? ahh, i forgot, i can never know how your mind works, there are no reasons unreasonable enough for you

back to the present, i need to get out of this comfort zone and face heaven’s rage if i want to move forward and prove myself, the path towards enlightenment is laden with challenges like this. i must not give up so easily.