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the end.. or the beginning..

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​i don’t claim to know the secrets to the universe, i don’t have the answers to life’s questions, i’m just a common person, fallible, damaged, and figuring things out as i go along.. but in between getting lost in this path i took and looking for the light in the next fork on the road, i found you, and you found me, we found each other and a whole new journey became possible, i don’t want to lose you because of who i am right now, i want to keep you for always, but at the same time, i don’t want to destroy you nor hurt you.. so i’m going to stay this time, i won’t take any time off, nor run away to find myself, i want to find myself with you holding my hand.. because i already found myself in you, and if i let you go, if i lose you, then you will take with you a part of me that i can never get back from anybody else.. i think we’re worth a fight.. i want to fight for us.. i don’t want to be the reason that we fail, how can we let something die when it hasn’t even started yet?

so take my hand and walk with me, today, and every day.. for the rest of our lives..

we’ll find the things they say just can’t be found..
i don’t want this feeling to go away..

2017.01.23.4.17.p.m.p.s.t.

fall slowly

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“they say don’t fall too fast, but does anything ever really fall slowly?”

Since the constant acceleration due to gravity is defined as 9.8m/s^2, all things being equal, there really is no such thing as falling slowly.. we all fall at equal speed.. but then, the key phrase here was all things being equal, and because we don’t exist in a vacuum, nothing is ever equal, all of us live in an environment that is constantly evolving and changing into something very different from each other..

When I jumped off that plane last August, for a brief second I learned what free falling felt like, but it wasn’t enough to turn my stomach upside down, it was just a momentary blur of sky and grass and suddenly the chute came up and everything just slowed down.. I thought I would grow a heart, feel that tiny muscle beat hard or burst in excitement, but it was as calm as a quiet lake on a summer day, I did not have any life changing flashbacks nor sudden realizations and clear epiphanies, I just felt at peace with the world, I thought to myself that I could do this for the rest of my life and I’ll be content.. but like all good things, it ended all too soon and we were back to the ground as if we never left at all..
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september

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これは私が別れを言う日です

you laugh with strangers, seven thousand miles away
and though you call to me across the oceans
I feel myself slipping away
I stood soaking it all in, one after another
the days that fall like orange leaves

I hear your voice talking about something
but they’re just noise not words
and I can’t understand what you’re saying
speaking in the language of the dead
it sounded a lot like letting go, so I let you go

the darkness has come to claim me
it was nice knowing you

you laugh with friends
happy without me

2016.09.08.9.54.p.m.pst.

even angels cry

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​A wimpy character in a random movie I saw from way back said this line after consuming a gallon or so of tequila : in order to be happy now, I should own myself up to the possibility that I might one day be sad, that way I can get on with the rest of my life and not think about it anymore.

Who knew tequila could make wise philosophers out of dorks?
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when the going gets tough

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​I felt empty this morning as I walked out the door into a world uncertain. I have avoided this feeling for the longest time but I’m afraid it’s creeping back in.
Eight years ago, I was in a severe state of depression, and although I have come out of it after some serious inner healing sessions, I still feel fragments of the old me resurfacing like fallen debris from a major meltdown.

A friend told me that the best way to suppress a memory is to not intentionally recall it back from the grave. I have not been thinking about things and yet the clouds keep chasing me around.
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remember when the circus came to town

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dear ma,

being the only daughter of Lola’s only daughter certainly has its perks, this doesn’t include borrowing your shoes, bags and clothes because they really wouldn’t fit me anyway, but that’s ok. you gave me more than just things that can be bought from a store. you gave me love, faith and patience – although that last trait is sometimes being cancelled out by this other set of genes in my system :).

i am amazed at how crazy our life has been and how we were apart more often than we were together, but despite everything we’ve been through, i will always remember that time when we were sharing a cup of Nissin’s instant ramen in that small room at the second floor of a boarding house in Singalong and you told me it was your birthday. I looked at your sad eyes across the steam rising from the cup between us and gave you a hug – I knew then, more than anything else, that I wanted you to be happy.
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sometimes the greatest acts of love are the hardest acts to commit

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​to the luckiest man in the world,

today is the beginning of the rest of your life. you will stand there at the end of the aisle as you wait for your future to walk towards you. she will give you her hand and you will promise her one eternity after another, then finally you will hold her in your arms and everything else in the world will fade away.

she has dreamt about you countless times before she even met you. she knew you were out there and she kept this hope in her heart until you came along and made her yours.
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