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Goodnight, Lola

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Dear Lola,

It’s been a long glorious life, 104 years and 28 days to be exact, but now it’s time to rest..

Thank you for raising me up, for teaching me to walk and talk and count and throw milk bottles when they’re empty. (although I’m pretty sure I learned that last one on my own)

I used to call you Nanay when I was growing up in Taguilos and I remember you chasing me from the river to our house because I was out playing with the other kids and you said I didn’t ask for permission (but I did! you were just sleeping when I told you I was going out, and you mumbled a yes with your eyes closed, so I guess that doesn’t count).

Remember that time when the passenger boat we were on suddenly sank on the way to Manila and you were holding me up with one hand and a pair of chickens with the other? You were laughing then even if you didn’t know how to swim and you told me to just hold on to the katig so we’d make it home.. (maybe it’s time for me to learn how to swim.. so I can save more chickens later?)

On your first plane ride to Cebu you were so happy and you said we should ride airplanes next time we go to Romblon so that our 12 hour boat travel will be reduced to an hour. I’m sure they have planes to our island now, I’ll fly on it for you one day..

This morning I was looking at your photos to share to my friends, to tell them you’ve been recognized by DSWD as one of the centenarians in the Philippines, you had a picture with them and Tito Robert said you just started eating again after a few days of not eating much, that was just two days ago.. a few minutes after I shared your photos, Drei messaged to say that you passed away quietly in your sleep just after midnight.. everything just crashed in me in the blink of an eye..

It’s time to go home now Lola, I wish I could have been there with you, I wish I could have held your hand one last time, hugged you and kissed you good night, but that’s not very possible right now..

Goodnight Lola, you’re going to live forever in me..

Rosario Rase Doctor
12 July 1913 – 09 August 2017

the end.. or the beginning..

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​i don’t claim to know the secrets to the universe, i don’t have the answers to life’s questions, i’m just a common person, fallible, damaged, and figuring things out as i go along.. but in between getting lost in this path i took and looking for the light in the next fork on the road, i found you, and you found me, we found each other and a whole new journey became possible, i don’t want to lose you because of who i am right now, i want to keep you for always, but at the same time, i don’t want to destroy you nor hurt you.. so i’m going to stay this time, i won’t take any time off, nor run away to find myself, i want to find myself with you holding my hand.. because i already found myself in you, and if i let you go, if i lose you, then you will take with you a part of me that i can never get back from anybody else.. i think we’re worth a fight.. i want to fight for us.. i don’t want to be the reason that we fail, how can we let something die when it hasn’t even started yet?

so take my hand and walk with me, today, and every day.. for the rest of our lives..

we’ll find the things they say just can’t be found..
i don’t want this feeling to go away..

2017.01.23.4.17.p.m.p.s.t.

fall slowly

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“they say don’t fall too fast, but does anything ever really fall slowly?”

Since the constant acceleration due to gravity is defined as 9.8m/s^2, all things being equal, there really is no such thing as falling slowly.. we all fall at equal speed.. but then, the key phrase here was all things being equal, and because we don’t exist in a vacuum, nothing is ever equal, all of us live in an environment that is constantly evolving and changing into something very different from each other..

When I jumped off that plane last August, for a brief second I learned what free falling felt like, but it wasn’t enough to turn my stomach upside down, it was just a momentary blur of sky and grass and suddenly the chute came up and everything just slowed down.. I thought I would grow a heart, feel that tiny muscle beat hard or burst in excitement, but it was as calm as a quiet lake on a summer day, I did not have any life changing flashbacks nor sudden realizations and clear epiphanies, I just felt at peace with the world, I thought to myself that I could do this for the rest of my life and I’ll be content.. but like all good things, it ended all too soon and we were back to the ground as if we never left at all..
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september

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これは私が別れを言う日です

you laugh with strangers, seven thousand miles away
and though you call to me across the oceans
I feel myself slipping away
I stood soaking it all in, one after another
the days that fall like orange leaves

I hear your voice talking about something
but they’re just noise not words
and I can’t understand what you’re saying
speaking in the language of the dead
it sounded a lot like letting go, so I let you go

the darkness has come to claim me
it was nice knowing you

you laugh with friends
happy without me

2016.09.08.9.54.p.m.pst.

even angels cry

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​A wimpy character in a random movie I saw from way back said this line after consuming a gallon or so of tequila : in order to be happy now, I should own myself up to the possibility that I might one day be sad, that way I can get on with the rest of my life and not think about it anymore.

Who knew tequila could make wise philosophers out of dorks?
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when the going gets tough

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​I felt empty this morning as I walked out the door into a world uncertain. I have avoided this feeling for the longest time but I’m afraid it’s creeping back in.
Eight years ago, I was in a severe state of depression, and although I have come out of it after some serious inner healing sessions, I still feel fragments of the old me resurfacing like fallen debris from a major meltdown.

A friend told me that the best way to suppress a memory is to not intentionally recall it back from the grave. I have not been thinking about things and yet the clouds keep chasing me around.
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remember when the circus came to town

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dear ma,

being the only daughter of Lola’s only daughter certainly has its perks, this doesn’t include borrowing your shoes, bags and clothes because they really wouldn’t fit me anyway, but that’s ok. you gave me more than just things that can be bought from a store. you gave me love, faith and patience – although that last trait is sometimes being cancelled out by this other set of genes in my system :).

i am amazed at how crazy our life has been and how we were apart more often than we were together, but despite everything we’ve been through, i will always remember that time when we were sharing a cup of Nissin’s instant ramen in that small room at the second floor of a boarding house in Singalong and you told me it was your birthday. I looked at your sad eyes across the steam rising from the cup between us and gave you a hug – I knew then, more than anything else, that I wanted you to be happy.
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